Sherlock holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting
his turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll tell me who among
these was the first mortal".
"Thats elementary, my dear St. Peter", said the great detective, "He's
the one without a bellybutton".
After marrying a young woman, a ninety-year-old man told his doctor
that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow
went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly
a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed
it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the representatives
of the growing population of female computer engineers. The new revolutionary
processor is based on female logic and utilizes the following four values
for logical operators:
0) neither YES nor NO 1) YES or NO 2) NO three times 3) NO and never
mention it to me again!
In the 80's, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy, Iowa.
This is used mainly be the weekend warriors, and once a year it's used
for an air show. The authorities were notified after an estimated *10,000*
people came to the airport. They asked the people why they were out there,
and they were given the story about the stealth fighter.
The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who called
the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and suspended for two
weeks -- but not before some people at the airport, armed with cell phones,
called into the station, got put on the air, and said that they couldn't
see the thing. The DJs replied that it was proof the technology worked.
*To top it all off*: the DJs said the only way that you could see the
plane was to move your head back and fourth -- like a chicken when it walks
-- and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of your eye. They stated
that if you looked right at it, you would never see it. This was believed
and a majority of the people were doing just this when the police arrived!
Question: "What kinds of clothes are there?"
Women's Answer: "Clean and Dirty"
Men's Answer: "Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty, Really
Dirty, Funky, Nasty, Biohazard." (Men will voluntarily wear all but the
last classification of these clothes.)
"Divorce is way up in California," says Argus Hamiliton. "It's considered
normal now. When a woman meets a man in Los Angeles, she asks herself if
this is the one she someday wants their children to visit every other weekend."
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried
in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that
he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check
to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much
she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another
corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they
were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if
her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads"
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a f***in' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f***in' checking account
right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What
seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the
lottery and I want to open a f***in' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
Not so good but explains a lot ( The women will like it)
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only
twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was
all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't
need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up
eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion,
like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the
other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,
ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten
years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of
making an ass of himself.
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot
squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings
back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach."I've
asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the
parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy
bastard!"
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This
went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
Baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do
the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother
is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork parents are desperate: their son is absent
from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents
ask him where he's been all night. Says the baby stork:
"Nowhere. Just scaring the *shit* out of college students!"
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he
set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the
past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...
25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine.
"Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I
can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied... "Excuse
me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!"
A little bit of medical humor.... True story. Someone who works for
the County of Santa Barbara found this as the voice mail for another department:
(Imagine a sweet, endearing voice.)
"Welcome to County Mental Health Services.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer."
As an Engineer, I was always taught the laws of Psychics applied to
all situations, regardless of the circumstances. How is it then that the
girls with the most streamlined shapes offer the most resistance?
WHAT WOMEN SAY - what they mean:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? there is no way in hell I'm going to let any
part of your body touch any part of mine again
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE without *you* in it
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? we haven't had a fight in a while
NO, PIZZA'S FINE you cheap SOB!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW I just don't want you as a boyfriend
now
I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing
planned
COME HERE my puppy does this too
I LIKE YOU, BUT I don't like you
YOU NEVER LISTEN you never listen
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY I'm not going to sleep with you until I find
out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait
because I know you will
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm
going dutch
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE well, near there; I just want to get this over
with
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS We're gonna get sloppy and make fun
of you and your friends
WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY I'm hungry
I'M SLEEPY I'm sleepy
I'M TIRED I'm tired
CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? I'd eventually like to have sex with you
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you
CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? I'd eventually like to have sex with you
CAN I GET YOUR COAT? I'd eventually like to have sex with you
LET ME GET YOUR DOOR I'd eventually like to have sex with you
MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you
NICE DRESS! Nice cleavage!
YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE I want to fondle you
WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?
WHAT'S WRONG? I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'M BORED Do you want to have sex?
I LOVE YOU Let's have sex now
I LOVE YOU TOO OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
GOOD MORNING That was great sex. Let's have more!
SEE YOU LATER That was great sex. Let's have more!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR I liked it better before
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR $50 and it doesn't look that much
different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR For $50 they should have GIVEN
you hair!
LET'S TALK I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through
these talks
While shopping:
YES, THAT ONE'S NICE Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen
anyway?
THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
UH HUH Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left
as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both
have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do
not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However,
after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving
down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up
in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!"
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife
to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork
from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down
the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled
the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and
threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass
and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass,
bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the
houses in one bottle, whic h I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol
as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I
fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he
says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes
I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone...
and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!
Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss
says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood
and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and
catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so
he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's
boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know
President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on
debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and
Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch with
the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd
until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug
and catch up for 30 mintutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe
it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that
doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and
Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not
know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's
boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome
where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says
"Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so
I tell you what-- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you
a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about
to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there
beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says
"Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened!"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can
see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing
next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more
than I can take!
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So
he walks down to the store only to find it closed. Then he goes into a
nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman
and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads
to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun,
he realizes it is 3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late my wife's going to
kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey. It's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw
this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led
to another and I ended up in bed with her".
"Oh yea? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with
powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be
a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the
truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought
he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered
there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved
back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding
where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't
see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost
hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
Gross
Janell tries to gross us out with the "Nose-Picking Glossary":
THE KIDDIE PICK: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist
your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When, in the presence of other people, you
wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're
probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private, this is the one where your finger
goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks
away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly
clings to your fingertip.
PAYDIRT: The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves
your breathing by 90%.
How to give your cat a pill ?
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting
the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by
your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as
well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good
cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel
on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -
or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
long One
So there I was, sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed
the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then
one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 722-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began
to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn
and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks
in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed
the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and
thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had
a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling
the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like
an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked
out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung
up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed
into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. A
couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to
be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would
have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the
jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury
find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"